This blog title only works if you sing it to the tune of
Kid Rock's "I Wanna Be a Cowboy, Baby." Go ahead, read it again, I'll wait.
OK, now that that's out of the way, let's talk about it. I've spent my whole life on clandestine dreams of athletic greatness. True Story.
Most people I know wouldn't describe me as athletic but that's because they are not paying attention. People rarely do. People would describe me as clumsy, and I am. I have to admit that because I can't walk across a flat floor in bare feet without stumbling or breaking a toe. The problem is that I've joked about it for so long, now people actually believe it's because I'm clumsy. Mostly it's because I am too busy up in my head to pay attention to how my feet are setting on the floor. My brain gets ahead of itself and suddenly my feet are in the wrong place at the wrong time and oops, Tania tripped again. People never focus on the fact that I rarely ever fall. I trip, I catch myself, I keep walking. No problemo. I really should get more credit for that skill. Tania - world class non-faller. It has a nice ring to it, don't you think?
When I was younger I used to practice falling. It seemed like a good idea, with all the
ice skating and
horseback riding and dangerous stunts. I was so good at
fake-falling that when my friends and I had to put together a routine to go with
"Little Black Spot on the Sun Today" for music class in the 7th grade, we incorporated one of my fake falls into the routine. I credit my quick rebounds today with all that practice when I was younger.
My first shot at athletic greatness, and an Olympic medal, was
Figure Skating. I started when I was 4 and I was good. They certainly weren't kicking me off the ice and I could spin like nobody's business.

The
Winter Olympics were a sure thing. I was going to be the next
Dorothy Hamill. Until I was distracted by the
horses.
I took a turn at
tennis when I was 7 or 8. I quit after a ball hit me square in the face and I ended up with a black eye.
My mom finally signed me up for
horseback riding lessons when I was 8 and soon ice skating was a thing of the past, something saved for a fun weekend with my friends. I was born to ride horses. Soon I was jumping four foot fences with no (very little, ok some but it was the totally fun, adrenelin-rush type) fear. It helps that I was riding the most awesome horse around, Copper.

I was headed for the
Summer Olympics and a
gold medal in
Grand Prix jumping. I was going to be the next
Katie Monahan Prudent, riding for the
U.S. Equestrian Team. Until we moved to Florida.
My parents came up with this brilliant
idea. "Let's move to Florida," they said. "And while we're at it," they must have thought, "let's move to a town where they don't have any English Riding Barns or horse shows for my soon-to-be famous daughter." (Don't worry, I'm not at all bitter.) And so my horseback riding career was relegated to the back burner. My new plan was to head north after high school, back to civilization, a.k.a. a town with an English Riding Barn. That plan was derailed after I met the love of my life. But hold that thought.
In either Jr High or High School I took a turn at running hurdles. I was good at it, naturally, since I'd spent all that time pretending I was a horse, jumping over the same fences we took the horses over in our lessons (and jumping over the couch, the coffee table, the neighbor's bushes while I was delivering papers, you get the picture. A little known fact - although I worked my newspaper route for the money I needed to show my horse, I enjoyed my newspaper route because I could pretend I was a horse and jump over every obstacle in the neighborhood.). Unfortunately hurdles didn't last because I've never been a fast runner.
When I went off to college I started riding John's mountain bike. I used it as my transportation and as a bonus I got into really good shape. The bike was a lot more fun that I originally thought once I could make it up the hills and still breathe, lol. But then they stole my (ok, John's) bike and my biking career came to an end.
You'll notice that most of my life I avoided team sports. I played basketball for fun when I was younger and we had a hoop over the garage but I never really took an interest in it. In school I was always the last to be picked for any team sport. That's because as I've said I'm not a fast runner, plus I didn't know how to hit, throw, or catch. Ever since the tennis ball incident I had been afraid of getting hit in the face. Team sports seemed pointless anyway so I just tried to stay out of the way and I walked the track whenever possible to get out of playing. Except basketball, I always participated in basketball in gym class.
A few years ago Ricky invited me to be on the company softball team. Actually, for the record, he begged. They were short on girls, and they needed me to make the minimum. I warned him that I was a terrible player. I told him I couldn't hit, catch or throw. I don't think he believed me because once we started playing he was surprised that I couldn't do any of these things.
Still, this is me - I might be terrible at something but once I put my mind to it I find a way to excel. Deciding I would now be a softball player, I enlisted Jennifer and John and we honed (ok, we first created and then honed) my softball skills. Jennifer took me to the batting cage where I learned to wait for the pitch instead of swinging at every ball in a 10 mile radius. Jennifer and John joined me on an empty softball field where they taught me not to run when the ball was coming my way. It turns out if you keep your eye on the ball and your hand in front of your face, catching is not quite as tricky as it looks at first glance. The ball wants to fall into your hand. Then Mike Smith, who is a wonderful coach, taught me how to throw. Over my two season career as a co-ed softball player I gradually improved until I was no longer striking out and usually making it on base. I even got some runs out of the deal. My preferred field position was Catcher but I also played right-field.

I was on my way to the cover of Sports Illustrated and what I hoped would be a multi-million dollar contract when my career was cut short - not enough girls to continue the team. This year I hope to practice on my own and become a pick-up player at the field in the fall. Teams are always looking for girls and you never know when the scouts will appear.
The truth is that one day I'll ride horses again. I still have Olympic dreams, and since I'm older they obviously had to become more grand. I'm not going to tell you what they are just yet, you'll have to wait and find out with the rest of the world. Just remember, you don't have to be able to walk a straight line to be an athlete, baby. I'm living proof.